One of the biggest shifts I have seen in dating over the last twenty years has nothing to do with Tinder, Instagram, or AI girlfriends. It is the fear of being creepy.
- Not the old fear.
- Not rejection.
- Not “I don’t know what to say.”
- Not “What if she doesn’t like Asian guys?”
The dominant fear now, especially among Gen Z men, is this:
“What if I’m seen as creepy?”
As I said recently in a media interview with a TV journalist, “One of the most common reasons I hear from guys say why they don’t approach women now is not just anxiety or not knowing what to say to her… The #1 fear of Gen Z men is that they fear being seen as creepy.”
That single fear has quietly reshaped an entire generation of post-Covid male dating behavior. And it is directly tied to the lonely men dating epidemic crisis.
This did not happen overnight. But we are now seeing the consequences.
From Anxiety to Avoidance: What Changed
When I started coaching almost twenty years ago, the guys who came to me had very different problems.
- They were anxious.
- They were rusty.
- They didn’t know what to say.
- They were afraid of rejection.
- Asian guys worried white women wouldn’t like them.
But they still wanted to try.
They still believed that if they learned the skills, things could change. They had HOPE that if they had the social skillset and emotional self-awareness and confidence, they could have hope of having physical, emotional and romantic intimacy.
Today, many Gen Z men don’t even get to this stage.
They are not asking, “How do I approach?”
They are asking, “Should I even approach at all?”
And more often than not, the answer is no, men should never approach women.
That is a massive shift.
Fear used to be about outcome.
Now fear is about identity.
Rejection hurts, but being labeled creepy feels like social death.
The Male Loneliness Dating Epidemic Is Not Abstract
Loneliness is now being openly discussed as a public health issue. The U.S. Surgeon General has called loneliness an epidemic. Large-scale surveys from Pew Research and other institutions show declining friendship circles, declining social participation, and rising isolation among young adults.
Men are not the only ones who feel lonely, but they are disproportionately affected in specific ways.
- Men are less likely to seek emotional support.
- Less likely to have intimate friendships.
- Less likely to talk about their struggles.
- More likely to withdraw when things feel confusing or hostile.
Among Gen Z men, this is compounded by something new.
They are socialized online first and in real life second.
That matters.
Because confidence, calibration, and emotional resilience are built through real-world reps, not through content consumption.
Men Are Not Approaching Anymore Because They Fear Being Creepy
You do not need a study to see this. You can walk into any bar, lounge, or social venue and observe it.
During the interview, I told this story to the TV journalist. I was at the Chicago bootcamp with students. Four Asian guys and one white guy. We had 10-14 attractive women at our table that my students had approached and sat down with. Everywhere else around us, table after table, was just men.
All of them staring at us with pure envy and jealousy.
As I said to the journalist, “There were tables full of men just staring at us. None of them were approaching while we had a table full of women dancing and making out with us.”
This is not respect.
This is paralysis.
And paralysis creates a feedback loop.
- No approaches means no reps.
- No reps means no calibration.
- No calibration means more fear.
- More fear means even fewer approaches.
Gen Z Women Are Noticing This Too
Here is the part that is often overlooked.
This is not just something men are talking about.
Many Gen Z women are openly saying they wish men would approach more. They complain that men only interact through apps. They notice that real-life initiative has disappeared.
Some even say they want men to approach them again.
This creates a strange dynamic.
- Men think the approach is unwanted.
- Women feel unapproached and unseen.
- Everyone retreats to their phones.
- Loneliness increases on both sides.
This is where opportunity appears.
The FOBC (Fear Of Being Creepy) Arbitrage Opportunity in Modern Dating
Whenever behavior changes at scale, arbitrage appears.
If most men stop approaching, then the men who do approach stand out more, not less.
I saw this clearly in Chicago.
While other men stared, my students were talking, laughing, connecting. Not because they were better looking (remember, they were short, average looking, South and East Asian). Not because they were louder. But because they were willing to act.
This is an arbitrage opportunity.
As fewer men take social risk, the value of social courage increases.
But there is a condition.
You cannot approach like a value leech.
Why “Creepy” Is About Value, Not Intent
Here is where the conversation usually gets uncomfortable.
Most men think creepiness is about intent.
It is not.
Creepiness is about value exchange.
When a man approaches from a place of need, insecurity, and extraction, he is trying to take value. Validation. Attention. Emotional reassurance.
That is when he gets labeled creepy.
When a man approaches from a place of positive energy, confident body language, and contributing his personality through bantering, laughter, and conversation, he is offering value. Presence. Confidence. Emotional stimulation.
That is the difference.
As I said in the interview, “The battle is lost or won before it’s even fought. It’s up there in your mind.”
Your internal state leaks through everything.
The “Fuckable Line” and Why It Matters
Attraction is not politically correct, but it is honest.
Every woman has a line. Above it, behavior is framed positively. Below it, the same behavior is framed negatively.
This is what I refer to when I talk about landing above her “fuckable line.”
- That line is not fixed.
- It is not genetic destiny.
- It is not purely height or race.
It is influenced by sexual market value.
And sexual market value can be improved.
What Actually Moves You Above the “Fuckable Line”
This is where most men want to argue instead of work.
Landing above the line is influenced by:
- Fashion that fits and signals self-respect
- Hairstyle and grooming that meet a baseline standard
- Body language that is open and grounded
- Facial expressions that are expressive, not flat
- Tonality that is calm and present
- Energy that is relaxed rather than seeking approval
I mentioned this in the interview when talking about Asian men specifically. Many are socially conditioned to be emotionally flat. That lack of micro-expression can be misread.
As I said, “When they can’t read your micro-expressions, they jump to ‘this guy is weird,’ when in fact that’s just societal conditioning.”
This is correctable.
This Is the A in the ABCDEF System
This entire conversation sits inside the A of my ABCDEF System.
- Attitude.
- Attract.
- Approach.
Attitude (Inner Game) is your internal state: how you manage your emotions and thoughts like confidence and anxiety.
Attract (Outer Game) is how you show up visually and energetically: it’s your body language, tonality, facial expressions and energy.
Approach (Verbal Game)is how you execute the approach and what you say to her.
ABCs Of Attraction ABCDEF Dating System
Most men want to skip Attitude and Attract and jump straight to Approach.
Then they wonder why it fails.
If your Attitude is needy, your approach will feel off.
If your Attract phase is sloppy, your intent will be misframed.
When men complain about creepiness, what they are really experiencing is poor A-phase execution.
Direct Does Not Mean Disrespectful
This is where fear has distorted reality.
- Being direct does not mean being aggressive.
- It does not mean entitlement.
- It does not mean ignoring context.
It means clarity.
For example, during my Asian Week interview where a photographer and reporter were embedded in my New York City bootcamp, I had my short, FOBBY Singaporean student who approached a 6 foot tall blonde woman and said, “You are FUCKING beautiful. I’d like to get to know you better.”
- No routines.
- No apology.
- No manipulation.
He got her number and asked her on a date.
Why?
Because direct intent forces individuation.
As I said, “Direct game forces her to look at me as an individual male, not a stereotype.”
Ambiguity allows stereotypes to fill the gap.
So if you’re not conventionally attractive (like me at 5’4 mid-looking formerly fat 201lb Asian Dating Coach), then it becomes a REQUIREMENT that you approach in a DIRECT, ROMANTIC, SEXUAL manner.
Because if you look like a stereotype, talk like a stereotype, and act like a stereotype… you’re going to be treated as a stereotype.
Instead approach directly like I did with these two tall, beautiful blonde girls:
Rejection Is Still Part of the Game
None of this eliminates rejection.
Even I get rejected.
The difference is how rejection is processed. As I explained to the reporter…
“There are guys who ruminate, then there are guys who neutralize the negativity and feel nothing.. but then there are the higher-level guys, who understand inner game and emotional self-awareness, who reframe it into something constructive.”
Avoidance robs men of the chance to build this muscle.
Gen Z men are not weaker. They are underexposed.
Dating Apps Made This Worse for Many Men
I have never been anti-apps out of ignorance. I was anti-apps because of outcomes.
There are multiple studies showing that online dating is skewed against Asian men. I said it plainly in the interview. “I’d have to make $250,000 more. That’s literally a Bentley.”
Apps also give technical men the illusion of effort.
Swiping feels productive.
It is not.
As I said, “It prevents them from putting themselves out there. It prevents emotional resilience.”
When apps fail, men internalize helplessness instead of agency.
Why This Moment Actually Favors Men Who Act
Here is the ironic upside to the generational fear of being creepy:
- Because so many men are frozen by fear, the men who do the work stand out faster.
- Because so many men avoid real-world interaction, competence compounds quickly.
- Because so many men fear being creepy, calibrated confidence becomes rare.
Rare things are valuable.
This is the arbitrage.
Final Thoughts On The Fear Of Being Creepy
The fear of being creepy is understandable.
But if it is allowed to dictate behavior, it becomes destructive.
Men do not become confident by waiting.
They become confident by acting, calibrating, and improving.
Or as I said about my own journey,
“I didn’t realize this was learnable. I thought you either had it or you didn’t.”
It is learnable.
But only if you are willing to step back into the real world and take responsibility for how you show up.
That is the work.
That has always been the work.