Kickstarter Opener: Use Science Backed Therapy To Overcome Approach Anxiety And Talk To Women

By JT Tran

Approach Anxiety (AA) is real because your brain is designed to protect you, not get you laid

It’s not a buzzword.
It’s not an excuse.
But it is a measurable biological and psychological response.

When a man prepares to approach a woman he finds attractive, his brain does not evaluate romance. It evaluates risk.

Rejection.
Judgment.
Loss of status.
Social failure.

From an evolutionary standpoint, social exclusion used to mean real danger. Your nervous system still operates on that outdated firmware.

So when you hesitate due to Approach Anxiety, it is not because you are weak or inexperienced.

It is because your brain is doing its job too well.

Table of Contents:

The Cognitive Tax: Why You “Blank Out” Before You Approach

The moment you consider approaching an attractive woman, your brain enters what researchers call a cognitive tax.

Social evaluation by the opposite sex is one of the strongest known stressors. Cortisol spikes. Working memory drops. Attentional control weakens.

In simple terms:

Your brain becomes temporarily dumber.

This is why you forget what you were going to say.
This is why “lines” disappear.
This is why confident men sometimes look awkward at the start.

Real-World Application

Because your processing power is reduced in the moment, complex routines are a mistake.

You do not need clever.
You need automatic.

That is why low-energy, socially expected openers outperform everything else early on.

Your job is not to impress.
Your job is to get your nervous system through the first 5 seconds intact.

The Order Matters More Than the Words

I was virtual coaching an African American student on how to approach women, the challenges he was facing and here’s what I told him about approach anxiety. Most dating advice fails because it starts in the wrong place.

Approaching women works in this order:

Body
Brain
Words

If you try to fix the words first, you lose. This is known as a holistic system as everything works together.

By the time you speak, your posture, facial expression, and tension level have already communicated whether you are calm or anxious. To her, and more importantly, to yourself.

Step One: Regulate the Body Before the Mind

Confidence is not a thought.
It is a physiological state.

Before you approach:

Stand upright
Shoulders back
Feet slightly wider than shoulder width
Head up
Then smile.

When you stand tall, take up space, and activate your muscles, your body releases testosterone and adrenaline. When you shrink and close off, your body releases stress hormones like cortisol that’s activated from your fight or flight syndrome.

Even if you do not feel confident yet. In a study done at Harvard by Amy Cuddy, it showed that when you did power poses (the good ol’ manspreading and taking up space), you activate your muscles which starts to increase your testosterone levels. That in turn makes you feel more confident.

And by taking up space, you are presumed by others to be confident. So internally you’re feeling confident, externally people are treating you as confident, and it becomes this confidence feedback loop… a self-fullfilling prophecy whereby even if you didn’t start off feeling confident, you are now emotionally feeling confident, physically appearing as confident and socially reinforced to be confident.

Also smiling releases endorphins. It also makes other people smile back. And when a woman smiles at you, your nervous system immediately calms down.

This alone will lower your anxiety more than any line ever will.

Step Two: Interrupt the Freeze With the 5 Second Countdown

The freeze happens when fear outpaces action.

The fix is simple.

Count down.

Five.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
Go.

Numbers activate the decision-making centers of the brain and interrupt rumination. You do not need to feel ready. You need to move before avoidance kicks in.

This is the same principle used in exposure-based therapy.

You do not need to feel ready. You just need to move.

This is a core skill in how to approach women consistently and defeat your Approach Anxiety.

Step Three: Use the Kickstarter Opener

Student practices the Kickstarter Opener from the Prebootcamp Homestudy Course and gets instant results

Now we address words, but only after the system is stabilized.

At bars and social venues, the simplest and most effective opener is “Cheers.”

Why it works:

It triggers social etiquette
It requires no creativity
It creates immediate compliance without pressure

You are not starting a conversation.
You are activating a reflex she already has.

Here is how it works:

Eye contact
Strong smile
Raise your glass to mid-chest height
“Cheers!”
Even if you or her are just drinking water, say “Cheers to sobriety!”

Her brain knows exactly what to do.

This matters because emotional anxiety responds faster than behavioral confidence. Lowering threat comes first. Smoothness comes later.

She does not think, “Why is this guy talking to me?” She cheers back.

Then you say:

“Hey, my name’s JT. What’s yours?”

And then you give yourself an exit:

“You seem friendly. We’re celebrating something. Come say hi later.”

This removes pressure from both of you.

At this stage, your goal is not numbers or sex. Your goal is reps and practice. This is how to approach women without frying your nervous system.

And who knows, when you start doing it right, having a good night might turn out like it did with my student and I here:

Combat Internal Sabotage

Anxious men consistently rate their performance lower than objective observers would.

This is internal sabotage.

Negative self-statements like:
“She won’t like me.”
“I’m bothering her.”
“This is awkward.”

Research shows shyness has a strong negative correlation (r = −.49) with initiating relationships, not because shy men are less capable, but because they stop themselves before reality can correct the distortion.

Real-World Application: Thought Catching

When you hesitate, identify the exact thought.

Label it as a distortion, not a fact.

You are not trying to “think positive.”
You are removing mental interference.

Two Science Backed Therapies Against Approach Anxiety: Skills Training and Desensitization

A 1998 meta-analysis by Allen, Bourhis, Emmers-Sommer, and Sahlstein examined 20 studies on heterosexual dating anxiety and found that both social skills training and systematic desensitization can significantly reduce approach and dating anxiety (overall effect size r ≈ .336).

To break it down:

Social skills training shows a moderate positive effect on reducing anxiety and increasing dating behavior (r ≈ .313) across 17 studies (N = 538),
Systematic desensitization (graduated exposure) shows a nearly identical effect (r ≈ .321), across 5 studies (N = 104)

When all treatment types were combined, the overall effect size increased slightly to r = .336, with emotional relief occurring faster than observable behavioral change.

Both approaches are effective independently, and the strongest outcomes occur when they are combined (see references below).

Skills Training

Practice body language, eye contact, vocal tone, and pacing in low-stakes environments. Baristas. Cashiers. Casual conversations.

Desensitization

Gradual exposure works.

Start with:

Standing in social environments
Making eye contact
Saying short greetings
Asking simple questions
Initiating conversations

Each step teaches your nervous system that nothing bad happened.

This is how fear is unlearned.

The 10-Set Rule: Where Change Locks In

Behavioral confidence lags behind emotional improvement per the therapeutic studies. You will feel better (r ≈ .37) long before you look polished to others (r ≈ .25).

That lag is normal. This is why volume matters.

Here is a simple mission I give beginners.

Go out and do 10 quick approaches using the Kickstarter Opener.

Cheers.
Smile.
Short exchange.
Exit.
No camping.
No forcing conversation.
No attachment.

What happens is powerful.

You stop pedestalizing women.
You stop overinvesting.
You stop caring so much about the outcome.

Women also see you as social. Friendly. Normal.

This alone increases attraction.

If you want to understand how to approach women long-term, this drill matters more than anything else early on.

And sooner than you know it, you’ll be able to approach 10 women yourself like I did here:

The Boomerang Re-Opener: Reapproach Her Without Being Awkward

If you liked her, you’re welcome to come back as you make a lap around the a bar and see her again later in the night.

This is called a Boomerang Opener.

You say something like:

“I almost made a huge mistake tonight. I was talking to this beautiful girl and didn’t even ask her to come dance dance with me. Let’s go dance.”

Now it is direct.
Now it is clear.
Now she knows your intent.

This is how you escalate without being creepy.

How To Deal With Rejection From Women

Rejection is part of learning how to approach women. There is no way around it.

The difference between men who grow and men who spiral is how they frame it.

Here is a simple drill.

When you get rejected, physically celebrate.

Say “Yes.”

Smile.
Make a victory pose
Bring your elbow in like you just won something.
And say “YES!”

It sounds silly until you try it.

You are rewiring your emotional response. Instead of “I failed,” your nervous system learns “I took action.”

One of my students told me rejection would ruin his entire night. That is not because of rejection itself. It is because of the meaning he gave it.

Change the meaning. Change the outcome.

Where You Practice Matters

Not all environments are equal.

If you are new:

Avoid small, tight social circles where reputation sticks
Avoid your own small college campus
Use big bars, clubs, and anonymous environments

Holidays are especially good. Halloween, New Year’s, big party weekends.

People expect to be social. That makes how to approach women much easier.

How Experts Actually Think

Beginners think, “What do I say?”
Intermediate guys think, “How do I say it?”
Experts think, “Where am I taking her emotionally?”

Once you remove approach anxiety, everything else becomes easier.

Sexual tension.
Escalation.
Leading interactions.

But none of that matters if you never approach.

That is why learning how to approach women properly is the foundation.

Final Thoughts On Deconstructing Approach Anxiety

Applying these strategies moves you from the untreated baseline to the intervention group, increasing your likelihood of approach success by over 1.4x.

But the benefit is bigger than dating.

Reducing approach anxiety prevents resentment, avoidance, and unhealthy fixation. It replaces fantasy with experience and fear with familiarity.

Success is not the absence of anxiety.

Success is mastery.

Mastery of your body’s stress response.
Mastery of your thoughts under pressure.
Mastery of action despite discomfort.

Once you understand that your anxiety anxiety is a system, and not a flaw, you stop fighting yourself and start training correctly.

And that is when approaching women stops feeling dangerous and starts feeling normal.

References

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