Dear Angry Asian Men: Get Over Asian Women Dating White Guys

Hey Angry Asian Men,

It’s JT Tran here and it’s time you and I had a heart to heart…

One of the most frequently discussed topics on Asian American internet forums is the “Interracial Dating Disparity” within the Asian American community.

The Interracial Dating Disparity is a term used to describe the mathematical imbalance between the number of Asian American women dating white men versus the number of Asian American men dating white women…


Whether this mathematical imbalance is REAL (i.e., based on actual U.S. Census data) or PERCEIVED (i.e., based on anecdotal evidence of what some guy “sees on the street,”) I don’t know, and more importantly, I don’t care. There is, however, something that is very real:

Many Asian American men get upset when they see Asian American women dating white American guys.

Straight up. Let’s put all bullshit aside and acknowledge this for what it is. This feeling of being upset and/or angry is based on several reasons.

Here are just a few quotes that I’ve heard:

“Asian American women are race traitors! They should be dating Asian American men, not white guys!”

“Asian American women are sell outs! They are dating white men, not because they’re inherently better than Asian American men, but because they’re trying to improve their social status by being by a white man’s side. Even if he’s a loser!”

“Ugh! I can’t believe that Asian American woman is with that white guy. He’s not even as smart / good-looking / tall / handsome/charming as I am. He’s a total dork! She’s only with him because he’s white!”

“Asian American women have bought-in to mainstream media stereotypes of Asian American men! That’s why so many of them are dating white guys! They need to see the error of their ways and start dating Asian American guys!”

Again, there are many other reasons, but these are only a few examples.

After having taught thousands of Asian American guys (and also Asian guys born and raised in other Asian and European countries), I see the same themes come up time and time again. Many of these guys either hold the above listed grudges against Asian American women in general, or they have their own specific reasons for being angry at Asian American women.

They have each, in their minds, made a correlation between the interracial dating disparity, and the other well accepted societal stereotypes of Asian American men (mostly produced by western movies and media). These men are truly living a life of self-torture, and I have seen all manner of self-defeating and self-imposed mental barriers in these guys.

I know this because they freely and willingly tell me about them in the hopes that by telling me these things that they will somehow “feel better.”

However, despite all the pain, suffering, and self-inflicted mental torture that I’ve observed in my students, I have also had the pleasure of seeing those very same Asian American boys grow up and become men right before my very eyes.

Yes, there are students who come to me expecting to join a circle of brothers who will “take down the man,” or somehow make Asian American women change their dating preferences, or somehow “fix” the American mainstream media and its related images of Asian American men.

This type of student ultimately discovers that ABCs of Attraction alumni have no interest in doing any of these things (because they’re too busy romantically connecting with women left, right, and center). It is this type of student who ultimately drops out of the program and resigns himself to a life of loneliness.

He effectively excludes himself from the world’s gene pool.

But for every one student who stubbornly holds on to this self-defeating mentality, there are 99 other students who rise up above that mentality and discover that the most effective way to change the “interracial dating disparity” is to take control of their own romantic lives and to start generating lots and lots of romantic choices and options for themselves. That is, if fixing the “interracial dating disparity” is really what you care about.

The only REAL solution to the Asian American Interracial Dating Disparity is manifold:

  1. Make yourself a better man
  2. Ignore that which generates negativity in you
  3. Open up your options to include women of ALL colors
  4. Get better at flirting and socializing with women
  5. Finally, grow a pair of balls to do something about it and LEAD BY EXAMPLE

The majority of the time, though, the students I’ve taught who once believed that they cared about this “disparity,” actually realized that they only used this as an excuse for not taking responsibility for the fact that they could not generate the same quantity and quality of romantic options as the white guys they were seeing from day to day. They were resigned to a life of loneliness.

Ask yourself, do you really want to live a life of loneliness? Or have you always thought that you were meant for GREATER things?

Would you rather continue to get your satisfaction from complaining about a “disparity” (either real or perceived) and railing futilely against an unfair system?

Or would you rather get your satisfaction from the warmth of a woman’s body naked in your bed? To bask in the glow of love of your own making and choosing? Because I stopped being angry with the world once I discovered I had control over my dating life.

You see, for me, there’s only one way to effective stereotypes and racism against Asian men:

The best way to fight stereotypes is showing people from different races genuinely connecting with one another.

Choose wisely.

Click here to sign up for your ABCs of Attraction bootcamp today and take control of your romantic destiny. One weekend will change your life so you’ll let go of that anger and become the happy, confident and fulfilled Asian man you’ve always wanted to be.

JT “No Longer Angry” Tran

  • An Unbiased Opinion

    Dear JT Tran, I’m sorry for that rant, and it’s a little off topic from your actual article.Forgive me but I felt compelled to speak. Thank you for allowing me to comment.

  • Wai

    Indeed. A positive attitude and self improvement is important regardless of this. But it is important to bring this topic up academically. I don’t have problems interracial dating but I think there is inherit problems with the volume of it. Most interracial dating hovers around 10 to 20 percent. So why is the White guy Asian women pairing at 40? What does that data tell us? Indeed Tran, it is important to not let these stats get to us. You have to be the change you want to see. What is it about our culture that leads to this? Media? Hollywood?
    I believe that its the culture of US media and the Asian culture combined that creates this imbalance. We(Asian) have a culture of admiring the western civilization and the Western media found financial gain by marginalizing Asian man. So I argue that we do need to stay angry and point out when the system is designed to work against us.

  • eminsk

    I just saw the first 2+minutes of this video and had to stop at colonialism stereotypes and “self-hatred”. Yeah, no. Good luck with dating, while upholding a stamp like that.

    Yes there are racist a55hats everywhere but only in the WM/AF demographic do casual enquirers like yourselves elevate such to the level of representation of some sort. Why is that? Does it come from a place of rage e.g. the presumption of stolen property? The problem here is not labeling individuals but the license this creates to visit that rage on all such couplings… and their families… maybe their kids (really what would shield them when you come down to it?), relatives, close friends and business contacts. This perpetuates the perceived disparity – or shut-out in a sense – to way beyond dating. And if I were raising a son of Asian heritage, I would be truly despondent about that not because of his presumed limited options, but only because of how lonely I imagine he would have to be as a young man just in order not to fall into one of these camps of lesser thought to maintain his spiritual buoyancy and personal excellence until he found that special someone.

    Given the hate sites available out there, I think you may also need to check your downcasting of such couplings because it seems to broadcast a reinforcing negative message about the both of you. Now we are all flawed and I don’t mean to suggest you are somehow more so than I am or anyone else is but you need to be aware of what you’re broadcasting it would be like to get to know either of you more closely.

    In my experience (which could safely be regarded as somewhat extensive) you are
    1) way off on branding the majority of WM/AF couplings (that I know of anyway). The AFs I know who state interest in dating WMs are definitely saying they are up for something different and that’s great. This can come from a combination of factors, and one of these may be cultural baggage fatigue (recovery from which may explain the snapback and marrying the exact type they say they will never marry that you spoke of). I think it’s grossly misunderstanding to cast this as self-hatred. In my experience it’s more about self-love and having had enough of certain kinds of baggage sifting through frogs to fail to find Asian Prince Charming for that particular – often very datable – girl, and just wanting to try another strategy to finding meaningful partnership.
    2) giving ammo to hostilities visited on west-assimilating AFs (and the non AMs who love them) by western women, in particular by privileged white women, like the kind who print fashion magazine articles deriding Asian women’s bodies, for starters (believe me I can get into the hostile dark fantasies of privileged white women on their “race traitor” men and their AF partners)
    3) this shaky assertion comes off as hostile and from a place of ignorance. And the worst part of that is you are likely to remain that way because I can’t see why families of such couplings would ever want to socialize with you, expose their kids to you, if you’re going to uphold that, let alone expose their relatives, networks or business contacts to you. These women are not broken somehow. I think the truth is much closer to “they’ve caught onto something and you are late to the party but you’re also invited but you have to leave your bullshit at the door on the way in.”
    4) ignoring the fact that WMs who marry AFs and who are good global citizens do get requests for introductions by AF friends to other males, and some of them say AM or WM will do. This is another opportunity you get shut out of because of your demeanor to such couplings, thereby perpetuating an unnecessary situation for AMs.

    And that’s about the most compassionate thing I can say about that. I hope that you can turn it around for yourself and your brothers. I think you would find you have more international allies than you realize.

    Having said that, I think your 5-point recommendations are much more on point and I give proper respect for your having written them, even if they came in a highly crappy package.

    Something to consider:

    As immigrants assimilating in the west, nearly all of us regardless of ethnicity experience the need to buck certain inherited cultural problems that come from within our own homes to try on other ways of doing things that help our new lives in the west. The first generation immigrant children of such families experience this particularly profoundly in my experience. It’s like they have one foot in each country and make the crossing several times within a single day. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this and in fact, I think there might be something wrong (failure to assimilate?) with those who think the opposite mindset is the way to go (i.e. to dig into one’s roots and hold on for dear life against the changing outside world that requires new wisdom, new ways of self-definition, roles, gender roles, etc).

    I am trying to compare it with my own struggle for self-determination and self-identification as an immigrant and I relate to it much more as coming from a place of bucking a pervasive imposition I decided was not part of me and had no place in who I aspired to become. This for me too came from a place of self-love, not hatred.

    As I alluded to above, something many angry AMs don’t know is that in my case I have become acquainted with AFs who have in fact asked me if I knew some nice man to introduce to them and they can be western or Asian. But I will never introduce them to an assuming jerk who has a perceived ownership problem with women of his ethnicity because if he feels that way, he shouldn’t be dating anyone, period.

    I am also not talking about AFs from impoverished countries (however applicable) but those with heritages originating in wealthy Asian countries where they have achieved respectable careers and are reasonably independent. In such countries, WM/AF families get unnecessary hostilities fed by negative assumptions like those made in the beginning of this video.

    I think you also need to check the possible assumption that this phenomenon is special or worse for Asians than for other cultures. If we are talking about the effects of neo-colonial racism then I would suggest that Eastern Europeans and West Asian women share more in common with East Asian women than with western sisters of other backgrounds.

    But before you say, “no they don’t and you can’t understand”, let me just ask:
    Is it really so incomparably different if an AF decides it’s bullshit to be expected to cook a major meal for the anniversary of an AMs dead ancestors? Or that the ugly passive aggressive evaluating that married AFs may visit is something they don’t want to spend mental energy on anymore? Or that they don’t want certain kinds of Asian mother-in-law cultural impositions? I hope you wouldn’t say these problems are the exclusive ownership of AFs. Because every culture has them. Many people tend to drop the undesirable aspects of their heritage once presented with a way that works better. I think in this aspect the challenge of the AM is to show by example that for him the appeal of tradition (which may be in some cases more seductive for him than for her) is limited at best and that (in addition to being an excellent and desirable human being) he champions a way of life that produces strong, independent women and that he desires this type of woman. Not an easy task I think given too many of their mothers, but perhaps significant given how many men the world over reference the memory of their relationship with their mothers for the partnerships they seek, in much the same way that women reference their dads.

  • mix

    You just dont understand do you.
    It is true that asian women prefer white men, it is true that asian men get bitter over it….but you have to understand the struggles that asian men have to go through in american society.
    Its not just the fact that asian women dont prefer asian men, its the fact that almost all women dont prefer them either. You see its easy to just say, quit complaining, go find a non asian woman, quit being so scared, etc. But when you constantly get shitted on by women, get shitted on by american media, get shitted on by your non asian friends, your only told negative stuff about you, you suffer racism worst than your asian women counterparts, then you pretty much live a torturous existence and dating becomes more a game of extreme luck, hope, and confusion because you are competing with guys who are more handsome, taller, muscular such as black and white men. Sure an asian guy can be charming, flirty, and know all the right things to say, but in the end. she will most likely just friendzone him and choose a white or black man because he fulfills the desirable physical qualities that women seek for.

  • anti eminsk

    Fuck off bitch