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Hello,
I am a 30 year old Asian and have had no sexual or intimate experience with women. I have had many friends who are women, who would like my male friends, have attempted to console me with vague promises of someone being out there for me. I've occasionally hit on women haphazardly since I was 12, with the idea that the less thought out, the more authentic the approach -- and for some reason, I was under the impression that this authenticity would be appreciated. I've developed a number of interests, namely writing songs and playing in a touring band, that I had hoped as a method for priming me for female attention. And I went through a phase where I would try to play the intellectual and worldly angle by any cultural artifact of obscure or canonical origin. As a result, I was left with a glut of information that I can entertain only myself with.
I have seen my friends on "the field" inexplicably being requested for birthday kisses by women. I went to a party school for college that had a female to male ratio that might prompt a statistician to describe as favorable for a guy looking to hook up with a girl. I've chalked up my friends' successes to their looks or their charm. But then I also have friends who ostensibly possess neither, like myself, who have also seemingly effortlessly won the attention of many a woman. While there is an undeniable physical component to attraction, I never quite figured out how to overcome being 5'2" and not being quick with my tongue. I mean, I've tried to give genuine compliments and approached random strangers, which to some may have come off as fawning and overstepping.
I'm now at a place where my optimism has hit a valley and while I suspect that it may pass, I have an even stronger suspicion that this may be for real. Having just turned 30 just triggered a slightly odd realization that I may have to live a life where I can't befriend a woman, due to my certainty that she is allied with the women who have rejected and that she too shares the idea that I'm undesirable. Not to be mistaken with old-fashioned misogyny that involves the caricature of the embittered person making crass comments about women, I feel myself adopting a subdued disdain for both women and men, that makes me not want to engage in either. The reasoning, if you can call it that, here is, why actively engage with people who are viscerally indifferent or hostile to your existence, due to your lacking any value?
Yes, there are definitely a number of insecurities involved with my situation. But I think to reduce my failure with women to that would be hasty and all too convenient, seeing as how I've tried the fake-it-till-you-make-it method insofar as confidence goes long enough to see that there are certain situations that you can't just bluff through, while seeing friends who would be holed up in their rooms all day watching anime and playing video games getting hit on by girls left and right on those few occasions they decide to come out.
All of these things make me upset as I'm now beginning to see my value as being defined by my peers through my poor luck with women, for one. It's upsetting to the point where I may have hastily started an act of burning bridges with people who have expressed kindness. I acknowledge the possibility that ideas can be merely the product of an overactive imagination, but the few times that I've actually broached the topic openly have resulted in my friends feeling awkward, hurt, defensive or offended. While their reactions may not be so easily read as confirming or disproving my hypotheses, one thing remains certain: the ideas I have are touchy ones that are bound to strike nerves and as such, I'm left with no clean way to really test how much of my ideas exist in reality. I've started to disengage with people thinking of friendly relationships with not only women, but with people in general, as being purely optional. I've already thought of physical intimacy as being optional to the surprise of a friend, who's been trying to get me pumped up about meeting women, when it only reinforced my idea that his optimism comes from a place of privilege.
I understand that rejection is pretty much part and parcel to the whole courting process and so I see why my friends would consider this an easy obstacle that I'll get with enough effort. But with their own awareness of my history, I wonder if sometimes they pump me up while secretly knowing that I'll fail so that it can further boost their own self-esteem. And I have doubts about the amount of qualitative or quantitative overlap that occurs between one person's experience with rejection and another, which is why I've never quite understood the utility in the platitude "it works for me, so it should work for anyone."
That said, I'm not looking to be "converted" to the fold as I wouldn't be here if, deeper down, I didn't believe. I think it's simply a matter of getting through all the history and theoretical baggage that came out of me trying to explain my dilemma to myself. I do believe in inner game and I'm open to the idea that my way of working on my inner game was misguided from the start. While I found Neil Strauss' _The Game_ enjoyable, I didn't quite extract from it the lessons that could apply to me directly. I learn best when things are explained mechanistically and literally with minimal vagueness and mysticism. I think my posting here has been the most positive thing I've done in the past month, which involved me pity-partying, while the past years were me trying to convince myself that this isn't for me. And while I'm not quite ready to let go of that fatal scenario, as it's the one that makes the most sense to me right now, I'm also prepared to challenge it head on.
If you've read this far, you have my deepest gratitude. And if there is anything that I left out, please don't hesitate to ask. I can't promise prompt responses, but I will try to answer as best as time allows.
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