Story Critique

Hey guys, since one of my biggest sticking points and weaknesses are my storytelling abilities, I will start writing at least one story a day and post it on the forum for you all to critique them. Todays story is a short banter type story meant to make the girl or group laugh. I don't think it has much DHV spikes or whatever other than its funny and shows I can tell an interesting story. So go ahead and let me know what you think: if i should add details, delete them, change it up or not use this altogether, whatever it may be. I've told this story before to friends and the punch line has always gotten a good laugh, hope it works in the field. Here it is.


Golden Shower Evasion Story
Intro Option #1 - That’s like the one time I got so wasted I almost gave my buddy a golden shower!
Intro Option #2 - Have you ever gotten so drunk, you almost gave your friend a golden shower?
Intro Option #3 – The funniest thing happened to me in LA once when I was really drunk.
Yeah Ok so check it out, this one time in LA me and a few of my buddies were back in our hotel after a night of clubbing and getting mad wasted. In the middle of the night, I had to go use the bathroom because I was feeling sick again. So I’m stumbling into the bathroom, don’t even bother to turn the light on cuz I could feel myself about to vomit so I’m rushing to where…I think the toilet is. And right away I started puking. I could hear the splash so I knew it was the toilet. Afterwards I really needed to piss so I unzipped my pants and pulled it out. While I was doing that, next thing I know, out of nowhere, I hear a drunken voice “NO, NO, go to the tub, GO USE THE TUB!” (waving arm for added effect) and I could feel someone’s hand smacking my wiener!!!
It was one of my boys who had been throwing up in the toilet earlier that night. He was sleeping there, sitting next to it with his arms wrapped around the seat. So, I apologized and gave him a hug, with my cock still out! That night, I ended up passing out in the tub, and my boy was still sleeping next to the toilet. We each put in $50 for the room and didn’t even sleep on a bed. Ever since then I try not to get too wasted:)

It sounds like a funny story to me but imo I think the female targets will get turned off. It has a lot of DLV: you getting wasted, your friends wasted, you puking and urinating and telling them about it-yuckkk. But I like the story because it shows you don't care what other people think and that's a DHV. It's a fine balance.

Votcho - you know my messed up humor personally and I try to pace the women a little. Until a decent amount of comfort is established and you're able to gauge what they find funny, I'd hold off on the bodily fluids.

I don't know, Jester... I think Votcho might be on to something. Bodily Fluids should definitely go into B! (j/k)

Thanks for the honest feedback guys! yeah i completely agree, i actually didn't intend on using this story infield because of all the DLVs. I just wanted to test my actual story telling skills using any subject and making it engaging and funny. My friend in the story is actually an amazing storyteller and everytime he tells this story he is able to get a huge laugh from it, because of his energy and delivery. Ive also told this story before (to dude friends and close female friends of course) and its one of the few times people actually laugh at my stories (yay me!). So i know in terms of content ill have to learn how to DHV but in terms of delivery and the way it was told, how was it? Was it the way a story is supposed to be delivered as opposed to too logical and boring? the next stories i have should definitly be more DHV based instead of just funny.

You're sharp enough to know what to say. Let the story match the mood. Don't tell the urine story if she just mentioned her dog died.

And you can reach that level your friend is at.

How about this: You and I can do a group research project. We'll Google things like "Storytelling techniques/methods/tips" and spend a few weeks digging up results, reviewing websites, Youtube videos, etc. Then we'll start a thread on here and share the best of the best. Sound good?

Jester, you know I'm down big dawg! Let's make it happen.

Votcho: I started the thread here: http://www.abcsofattraction.com/community/the-war-room-f34/storytelling-tips-t5863.html

Check it out and feel free to start adding whatever you want.