Compartmentalising - how to date from "inappropriate" pools?

Here's a thought:

I've heard a number of times that the number one channel for people to meet their partners (at least in the US) is through work/education. Here in Blighty it seems pretty common. Personally I've always steered clear of it, and found it a little odd. Don't shit where you eat, as some people say. Lately though I've been wondering if I'm too rigid about such things.

If I'm at a primarily social event that exists for no other reason than socialising, then I'm fine with flirting with and dating someone I met there. When I'm at work I'm in "work mode", and keep some distance. Sensible, you might say, but this extends to other situations. Examples include activities that are based round hobbies - I've found it hard to shift from, say "dance class mode" or "language exchange mode" over to "flirting mode". Cold approaching or being upfront about being attracted to someone at a party is straight up and honest, but I frankly feel a bit creepy about using something else as a "pretext", to the extent that I'll ensure things stay platonic in order to preserve my "integrity". Ironically this leads to a rather fractured existence.

So basically this is a question about integrating my various "personae" so that I don't feel fenced in by circumstances and can be sexual/flirtatious *and* into the hobby/activity/job without the one compromising the other. Any thoughts?

G.

First, if I read it right. Not dating someone from work is the smartest thing one can do. I don't know what the sexual harassment atmosphere is like in England but it is unbelievably hard on men who flirt or say something 'inappropriate' to women coworkers and the women decide to complain. Don't even imagine what could happen if you are fucking some chick from work, she gets mad at you and decides to file a sexual harassment suit against you.

As for school. It can be all fair game. It is not a work environment and college girls are usually pretty liberal when it comes to attention.

Again, don't get framed for rape, sexual harassment etc. Be careful where you stick your stick.

As for all your 'modes'. A real 'player' has no modes. The modes he has are incorporated into his being. Well, true pick up artists anyway. In a way, they are either really slick or disgustingly slimy. Think new car salesman vs used car salesman. One is slick and one is sick but I consider both to be disgusting (sorry auto salespeople for using you as an example).

Again, I know I beat (ha ha, I said beat) the dead horse about being yourself but yeah, be yourself.

Incorporate all those 'modes' you mentioned into who you are. There are no 'modes' when one is truly comfortable with oneself.

Good questions Grover!

I've had bootcamp students ask me, "Is it OK to hit on someone at work?" The phrase, "Don't shit where you eat," fits pretty well. Brandon is right when he says a true blue player has no "modes." I have the feeling that you're highly over-thinking the situation.

The idea of "just be yourself" is simple, but the truth is that almost everyone is STILL trying to figure out who they are. How is it possible to be yourself, when you don't know who you are? I'm still figuring this out myself, and trust me, it's quite mind boggling and gives me a headache if I focus on it like crazy.

So you have your "Work" mode, your "school" mode, and your "party" mode. Party mode works only at parties, work mode at work, and etc. To my experience, the issue is CONGRUENCE. Google dictionary defines congruence as, "the quality of agreeing; being suitable and appropriate." In essence, your actions need to agree with your environment. If you're at a club, is it appropriate to be flirty? Of course! If you're working at a cubicle and your hot co-worker comes to you asking about such and such, would raucous flirting with her be appropriate? No way! That's probably a sexual harassment charge...

It's not just congruence to environment, but congruence to yourself. Are you a flirty and playful type of guy? Then be flirty and playful. Are you the funny silly guy? Be the funny and silly guy. Point is, just feel comfortable in your own skin, and people will naturally sense an air of confidence about you. Congruence to self and environment is an absolute must. It is a part of identifying self-confidence.

Quick story for you: my good friend Brian N. - who I haven't seen in 10 years since HIGH SCHOOL now lives in California. We talk on Facebook and we agree to meet up. After spending a whole day together, all he can say is that I'm just much more confident and a blast to be around since just by talking and being next to me, he can tell I'm comfortable in my own skin. Back in high school, we sorta knew each other, but at times he would choose other friends over me because I was shy, scared to step out of my bounds, and overall had a lack of confidence. He said in his own words, "You just didn't feel like you belong wherever you went Ben." Now it's much different.

When it comes to the workplace - Keep work AT work. If you want to date one of your co-workers, get some balls and ask her out for something low-investment such as coffee or lunch. Don't sarge her at work, move her OUT of the work environment and into a seduction environment. Keep in mind the entire idea of being comfortable in your own skin, and give her a date experience that she'll never forget

Hope this helps you out Grover. Let me know how it goes!
Ben J

Plain and simple.. don't mix business with pleasure. Once you have done this for long enough you will know the right way to do it and get away with it. For now just leave it alone.