The conflict that women seek (not a female-bashing post)

Been a while since I posted, but that doesn't mean I've stopped thinking.

And I was thinking about something lately, my LTR that I've been out of for about three months now.

Some depression set it, I did revert back to some AFC ways, but I didn't really dwell on it. I don't think about her on a daily basis (although I do miss the sex, but hey - that's a given). But I do think about what happened from an analytical point of view.

Some background on me - I'm extremely laid back. I don't let things get to me. When there's a crisis in the office and everyone's freaking out, I stand there like Mr. Spock, devoid of emotions, and sit and think stuff through. I still get emotional at times, but it just happens less. It happens when it really matters, and not at the drop of a hat. I'm a little de-sensitized, but I've also trained my mind not to get worked up over little things, and I've come to realize just how little everything really is. Basically, I dont' sweat the small stuff, and 99% of what we experience in life is just small stuff.

I'm basically that guy who does think of starving kids in Africa everytime I think I have a bad day. I realize too that while I have a lot to learn in life, if I were to die tomorrow, my life would have been great. And yes, I realize there's little bit of narcism in pointing this all out.

But it's how I see the world, I look at the big picture all the time. And I think that's were I my last LTR and I started to clash.

She was a bit older, and she wanted "manly man." She told me how she used to love guys who could fix cars, would be very gentlemenly, and just be all around alpha. Nothing surprising there. But after a time she saw me not getting worried about things, about some sort of drama that happened at her work, or something her friend said, etc. And she started to push, ie shit test.

I've seen this happen with a lot of women, they'll push buttons in order to get the reaction of their man that they want. My female friend told me once how pissed she was that she was left with a parking ticket for her boyfriend's car. She offered to pay, but what she wanted was him to man up and pay himself. I look back my college girlfriend who would complain to me about her weight and how unfairly she was treated. I would explain in calm, rational manner the reasons why overweight people were treated unfairly and she would only escalate her anger, directing towards me (and this was 10 years ago, so I'd be a lot more conscious now on what to say to that these days).

And I noticed the cycle repeat itself with my most recent ex. She was looking for a reaction from me, she was looking for me to be concerned over stuff that I deemed small but was huge to her. It was like in order for to prove to herself she was with the alpha male she sought, she had to test my reactions.

But my problem in that sense is that I'm not at that level, the level where inconsequential things like that bother me. And I don't even know if there's a solution to that one. I could pretend to give a shit, much like I do when I'm in set at times, but for something like a relationship, that just not honest and not who I am.

I don't hate women for acting that way - it's how they're wired both socially and biologically. But I just find irony in the situation. One way I've been able to shed my insecurities (with women and otherwise) is to not let emotions overwhelm me and by looking at the bigger picture to realizing just how small most of life's problems are. But because of that, it can come across that I avoid conflict and don't want to face life's problems when nothing could be further from the truth. By not focusing on the small stuff, it makes me realize just how important the big stuff really is (and with more irony, something most people avoid)

Some deep shit right here... You're welcome.

DougieB, this is a beautiful post.

Your personality sounds very alpha (not caring about little things, etc.). To me it sounds as if you were too alpha for her. In other words, she wasn't good enough or woman enough for you.

Dude, I hear you on multiple levels (or maybe just my own). It happens even with women that are supposed to be friends. I unfortunately learned the hard way and long after most of the damage couldn't be repaired. I used to get pissed off long after they wrote me off as a tool. It was hard for me to realize that a shit test happened long before and I failed it. I totally agree with you that life will eat you alive if you're sweating all of the small stuff. I'm not entirely sure what the solution is because I myself am not afraid to burn bridges.

I am going to respectfully disagree with some of this stuff. While, I do agree that women, sometimes, are shit-testing you by seeing if you'll succumb to her emotional frame (Woah, watch out for community terms), I think that this is often just a small test that alpha-females deliver RARELY, to see if they've used sexuality to convert you into being submissive. Like I said, this is like.. rare.

I think that most of what's going on here is that a girl just needs some validation about feeling badly. We as guys are super logical and look for an instant fix to things; thinking that supplying the answer is our part of the job and that's what she really wants. This is.. more often than not.. a huge mistake. Women generally just want to know that their feelings are justified and they want to feel better. Remember that women are super sensory and are VERY emotional. Thereby, negative emotions that they generate (Whether we think they're justified or unjustified) effect them very strongly.

I was in a relationship for 3 years and I had the benefit of it being a really open and honest relationship. My girlfriend at the time told me frequently that my solutions weren't what she was looking for and that she just wanted someone to make her feel better. Remember that women want a protector and a provider, women don't want the information to fix the sink, they want the sink to work. Women don't want the way to make themselves feel better, they just want to feel better and, more often than not, it's just a hug from a boyfriend and a "I know how you feel, honey. Don't worry."

There is so much talk in the community about not supplicating and holding your frame and getting what we deserve that we often forget that it is not unmanly or does not make you less of a ladies-man to give your girlfriend a hug and tell her that you understand how she feels about them not having the right shade of nail polish and that it'll be okay and that she's still wonderful and beautiful regardless of it. The point of a relationship is to increase the quality of the other person's life. Unfortunately, some guys do this to their detriment, which is why the community is centered around concepts like "not giving in to her frame" or "not supplicating to please her". However, when you win a girl that you truly appreciate and truly appreciates you, doing things to make her feel better is a choice you are making because you know that when she feels happy, you feel happy. These are not shit tests, these are moments that she feels like crap and you have the opportunity to fix it.

Men learn through challenge ("I bet you can't eat that whole pizza") and women learn through encouragement ("You look so hot after you've worked out"). When you take this knowledge and apply it to this scenario, you'll see that sometimes a woman just needs to know you're there and that you want to make her feel better. That's a great feeling to have and women appreciate it just as much as we do, especially on bad days.

That being said: If you get a parking ticket in my car, you fucking pay it.

-G

Oh, also, sometimes chicks pick fights just so they know the passion is still alive. In that case, push her up against the wall, kiss her, and then engage in rough sex. I promise.


I am completely serious.

Before I even read any of the responses, I was thinking I should have re-titled this The "Drama" that women seek.

I think that's more key than "conflict," which has negative connotations. It's not just about conflict, women seek drama - good or bad.

There's that old cliche of that prince who'll come along and rescue the loley princess. I've been that, and I there are tiems I haven't been that when it was needed of me.

You ever read or see the Twilight saga? That's female porn right there. Some dude who only wants to protect a girl, doesn't even want to sleep with her, just wants to sit there and watch her and protect her. I don't know how that story turns out because I could only make it through the first movie before I swore the whole franchise off (that shit's fucking painful to watch), but I get it. There's a reason 16 year old to 60 year old women are into that shit.

Women want that dramatic image, and they project that image onto a guy whether its there or not. For a PUA term, it's "backward rationalizing," but call it what you will - it's something they can hold onto.

I think it was David Wygant who said that women want that serendipitous moment when they meet a guy. They don't want just another random guy in the bar who came up to them, they want that one guy who stood out above all the rest. They don't want to say to their friends and family "yeah, I met this guy in a club" they want to say "I met him at a club, and he was like no other guy I've ever met."

Guys are different different. As long as they're a hot piece of ass, we don't give a shit where we met them. You give me a Los Angeles 10 and I'll have no problem telling my buddies I met her at a sewage plant. I once befriended a couple at a bar and they told me they met when she slipped on some dog shit. He caught her, and it was love ever since. She fucking loved telling that story - this guy was just happy to be getting pussy.

Maybe that's what I need to convey - that I'm not like other guys, that I am a cut above the rest. That'll be more than enough drama that's needed. And it's not too much of a stretch, because shit - I am a cut above the rest.

Kudos to DB for putting this out there. I do think that Gareth pretty much nailed this. I couldn't agree more.. these aren't shit tests as much as they are validation. They may turn to shit tests when she is unhappy and questioning.

Women want to feel protected, safe, and like they are giving "their precious gift" (because that's what they've mostly been taught) to the correct man. A woman want's to know that a man really loves her and that he is willing to die for her at a moments notice. Because, when you win a girl... and she is the type of special to you that she hopes to be... those little things about how she feels do matter. Never thought I would say that.

We have a hard path to walk in that once you fail and woman has lost respect for you or the belief in you being that man; there is almost absolutely nothing you can manipulate to stop that death spiral.

My guess DB, is that... deep down... something was missing, she wasn't the one, you weren't the one, or you had more growing to do before you got there. I can look back at relationships where I had many women waiting for me to take things to the next level and I never did... they progressively took a turn in the direction you are describing. The answer came right back to me. They weren't the ones and I wasn't ready. As women they were just testing that to get the answer.

Where's the like button???

I had the same problem for years...as I have a similar persona as you. And only recently did I figure out my mistake here.

What women really want to know in a relationship is that YOU GENUINELY CARE ABOUT THEM.

And so they generally interpret everything you feel about stuff related to them - as how you FEEL ABOUT THEM. They take everything personally. IOW, if you're not concerned about petty stuff happening to her at work, then you're not concerned about HER. If you don't find a joke she told you funny, then you don't find HER funny. The point is not that it's "petty," the point is that it's an extension of them (in their minds).

So, since she did not feel like you cared from all these indirect "clues," she then amped up the tests to see if you cared about bigger stuff (and thus HER by extension). Which you still didn't.

Of course, in your mind, it's not that you didn't care about HER, it's just that you didn't care about petty crap, period. But this is precisely the "gender gap" that causes so much misunderstanding between men & women!Hmm, interesting insight...