FR #5: One step forward, one step back.

An evening can take you from very high to very low, and it's shocking how fast it can happen. Case study: tonight. Decided to hit a local meat market with two friends (one guy, one girl). Neither one's had any contact with the community, so I'm really just flying blind here. I figure--showcase some of what I've learned, have a little fun.

Night starts off well. The high: I'm decked out in a hat, so I head over and situational-open a set of people all wearing ridiculous hats. I hit it off with a hot brunette, we get to talking for about 30 minutes. Lots of comfort, we make plans, swap numbers, by the end of the night, she's texting me. Sadly, it's only 8:30PM at that point--no place to extract, we're both with friends, no place to go from there, so I content myself with swapping numbers.

And then everything goes awry. My next set just doesn't hook. I start to go direct, then I get interrupted by an AMOG about halfway through what I'm saying. The set isn't hooking anyway. I start talking, they're not really buying despite my best efforts. I wind up walking away. I'm starting to develop major AA.

The next set is a crash-and-burn too. I sidle up to a mixed set having a good time on the dance floor, try to match their energy level, and open with, "Well, I wanted to introduce myself to some other people having a good time here." She's polite, tells me her name... and then promptly back-turns me.

At this point, I'm terribly demoralized, out of state, completely out of whack. That feeling starts to come over me--I look around the room, and every meathead with hair product has a hot girl on his arm, while I'm sitting in the corner sucking my drink. The more I look around, the more I psyche myself out. I can't approach this set; I can't approach that set. And I end my night quietly, meekly grabbing my coat from the coat check and slinking out of the bar like some fucking AFC.

As we leave the bar, one of my friends suggests that I did well tonight--I had a HB on the line, she's sending me flirty text messages, and we have plans to link up. To be sure, lots of lessons well applied: be direct, build comfort, time bridge forward... all good things.

But I don't feel like I had a good night. I explain to my friend, "A good night isn't about when I get a girl's number. A good night is about when I feel like I'm as good as every other guy in that room. Tonight, every other guy is taller than me, better-looking than me, has a hotter girl on his arm... that's not a good night."

I refuse to let this thing beat me. I'm going back tomorrow, solo if I have to, and just opening sets. Back to basics. Because it's not about getting numbers or closing at all--it's about knowing that I am just as good as every tall, hair-producted-out meathead in that place... and that I can get whatever girl I want.

Tonight, I'll sleep fitfully, thinking about one bad night. Tomorrow, clear my head and get back into the fight. After all, isn't that what this is all about?

You always wake up in the morning and realize--you know what, whatever happened last night was last night. Today's another day. Which means: time to break it down and learn from evaluated experience. I described 3 sets above, so here they are:

Set #1: Crazy Hat Girl.
The Setup: I'm sitting at a booth (the place is a restaurant until about 9PM having dinner with some buddies when people with crazy hats start walking in. I'm chatting with my friends about what the hell is going on over there, and of course, I'm the only one with the nerve to find out. The only other thing you need to know about this is--I'm rocking a hat tonight.
Approach, Attract: I march right up to the most attractive girl in the group. She's wearing what looks like a multicolored witch's hat. She's in a 4-person mixed set, 2 girls and 2 guys. "Hi!" I say, mustering all my enthusiasm. "I'm sorry, I couldn't help but notice there's a crazy hat thing going on over here... so I had to come to the people with the craziest hats (indicate CHG's hat) for an explanation!" Turns out they're all here for their friend's annual International Hat Day Party.
BT, Be in the Moment: I'm bantering with CHG's friends, meeting them all, befriending the two guys. Everyone's having a great time. I realize, though, that I'm losing CHG while trying to hold court. I start to chatter with her about her hat--turns out it's from Thailand, and I make some joke about buying it from street kids in Thailand. A little bit of role-playing, and she's right there. Time to make a move.
Comfort, Connect, Compliance: I switch places with one of the guys so I'm standing next to CHG. We start with social touch--and from the get-go, it's clear that we're connecting. We start talking about traveling, where we've both been in Thailand, she wants to know what I do. At one point, I say, "Okay, you're coming over to meet my friends!" I walk her over to the booth where my friends are still having dinner, introduce them, and then get right back on with C. We bond over cooking (Me: "Your lucky day... I'm an AWESOME baker!" Her: "YOUR lucky day... I'm an awesome cook!" Me: "Well, between us, we've got a five-course gourmet meal!")
Dominant, Direct Intent, Disqualify: "Look," I say at some point, "I think you're awesome, you need to leave me your number and we'll do this thing." At this point, we're standing about an inch from each other, everyone figures we're each other's new best friend. We swap phone numbers. Some light teasing about how we clearly can't be friends (for some reason that I now can't remember).
Evaluate, Extract: CHG is actually genuinely awesome, and I want to see her again. This isn't the one with which to go for the SNL. Besides, it's still only 10:00... the place is still a restaurant. I can't really isolate, there's no place to extract to. So instead, we're making plans, time bridging forward: baking, going dancing sometime. We hug, she's heading out with some of her friends to go salsa dancing, and I'm going back to finish dinner with my friends.

Set #2: Minnesotans.
The Setup: I'm dancing with my pivot, C, on the dance floor. I spot a mixed set, 3 girls and 2 guys, next to us. They all look like they're having a great time, and the guys... well, suffice it to say they were behaving like there was some kind of force field around the girls.
Approach, Attract: "Hi! I just had to come over and introduce myself to the only girls in this place who look like they're having a good time!" She laughs, introduces herself. I shake hands with the other guys in the group and start to lay into "So, how do you all know each other?"... but by that point, the 3 girls have closed ranks, are huddling, and are physically blocking me out. I make small talk with one of the guys for a few minutes and then walk away.

Set #3: The Booth.
The Setup: So it turns out that as I was spitting game at CHG (see #1, above), everyone kind of assumed that (because I was wearing a hat), I was a part of the crazy hat party. A few hours later, I spot 3 girls sitting at a booth.
Approach, Attract: "Hi! I'm sorry, I spotted you from across the room and thought you were absolutely gorgeous, I had to come introduce my...." At this point, I'm suddenly interrupted by the host of the Crazy Hat Party, who introduces me around to the three girls. I'm totally thrown off, but I get down, start to talk to the girls, having had the set blown open for me.
BT, Be in the Moment: I start to talk to the most attractive girl, who I've already figured is my target, and immediately make a series of mistakes. First, I decide to get down to eye level. Bad idea... I'm suddenly kneeling in the middle of a crowded walkway, and people are banging into me left and right. Second, I immediately lay into my background story--I'm actually NOT a part of the crazy hat party. Bad idea... whatever trust she had based on my social proof from the host instantly evaporated. Finally, I sit down in the booth next to her. Not a mistake--maybe the only thing I did right in this set. We're talking, and the conversation devolves toward the boring... "What do you do?"/"Where are you from?" etc. etc. Whatever I do, I can't seem to hook this conversation in. Then I make my last mistake: I ask her to head out on the dance floor with me. "Nah, maybe later." It's clear this one's over. I leave.

Lessons Learned
1. Really, you let two bad sets throw you off? Shake it off and open another set, man.
2. When going direct, do NOT stop calibrating. Read the situation--if it's flagging, find a way to pump the energy up, even if the stack doesn't call for BT.
3. Don't let conversations devolve into the same old boring bar banter. Stick to fun things, happy things, cool experiences.
4. Be conscious of what you're selling. In Set #1, I went out of my way to make sure I told her about my cool travel plans, my insidious dark side, my adventurous side. Everywhere else, I wasn't thinking about what I was saying as I was saying it. This seems to be a recurring theme with me. Be deliberate about what you say, don't just talk. Talk with purpose.
5. Time bridging forward is absolutely essential for the 2nd meet. Find commonalities, make vague plans.
6. The value of good wingpeople who can give you a pep talk when you need it. I coulda used one last night.
7. Dance floor approaches are challenging--you can't really talk, and you can't really connect with people. Suggestions welcome in the comments.

Tonight... time for a rally.

Hey Dave,

So as far as "bad sets" and "crashing and burning" goes, I honestly don't even think of them like that. When an approach fails, I think of it more as an opportunity to learn. Learn what I did wrong. Learn if maybe there is something I'm doing wrong even before the approach and when I open my mouth. These "bad sets" make you better. I know that's what you are trying to do with these FRs but I can't help but still notice that you let your world go down after just one rejection. So spin bad situations into a positive thing!

Let me tell you, there are probably a number of reasons why these so-called meatheads were doing great. But you can't compare yourself to them. In my opinion, you lose before you even start! When you see these guys and you think to yourself, "These meat heads are tall, good looking, great talkers, dominant, have great passive value, know how to convey sexual energy, etc.", you immediatly think of all the qualities you DON'T have. Fuck them and fuck that. You can only compare yourself to you and push yourself to YOUR limits... then push a little further. Think about the attractive qualities that you do have. Then excel in the qualities you do have and what you can change!

For instance, you can't do anything about these meat heads being taller or better looking than you, but something that can take a woman by surprise and throw the AMOGs off is just being fun. I know we say it here a lot but it's VERY important to "be a fun maker, not a fun taker." Do this by not letting every rejection get you down and not letting it affect your energy and mood.

You were wondering about approaching dancing sets. This is where your energy has to be SUPER high. Think about it, when people are dancing on the dance floor, they are having fun! So, being a fun maker in this situation is NO EXCEPTION. YOU MUST be fun in these situations! Dance with her and show her you are having fun too. Then stack forward.

Something I want to add by reading your FRs is that you seem to lack dominance. I notice that when you approach these girls, you tend to appologize everytime. Don't appologize. Just open and stack/push forward. Something that also tells me that you aren't being dominant enough is when you open a set well, then she turns her back, you refuse to regain her attention. If a girl's attention starts to wander off or she turns back to her friends, to me it doesn't necessarily mean she isn't interested. What I do is place my hand on her shoulder to regain her attention (or kino turn her if she turns away from me). DOMINANCE! If she doesn't like me, oh well. I have no problem hanging in set until I get a REAL blow out just to find out for sure.

You mentioned that a target in one of your sets was not interested in you because she found out that you weren't part of the crazy hat group. I believe that her losing interest in you had very little to do with that. Perhaps you asked her too many questions, appeared approval seeking, whatever. Through practice and calibration, you will feel when your targets energy begins to fade. Just bump it back up with another BT spike.

One last thing I want to add about rejection... one thing you have to understand is that some girls will like you, and some wont. There's really nothing you can do about it. Different girls have their ideal archetype of a man and what is attractive to her. So having a goal of getting "whatever girl you want" is unrealistic, in my opinion. What you CAN do, however, is do your research. What kind of girls do you like and what kind of men do THEY like? Start carrying yourself more like a man that they find attractive. Remember the ABCs motto, "If you want the girl of your dreams, then you have to be the man of hers."

Good luck buddy, hope I was able to give you some words of encouragement and something to think about!