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It's Friday night at end of a long work week, I'm having dinner with 2 of my usual wingpeople. One of them has brought along a hot friend, and I've been chatting her up, we're laughing, having a good time--but I've been forbidden to make a move on her, since Hot Friend is one of my wings's boss. In any event, I'm warmed up, and ready to go; we're all set to roll over to a local club and hit the town when...
... 1 wing gets a booty text. "Gotta go!"...
... another guy decides he's just too tired...
... and suddenly, I'm sitting on my sofa, at home, a little buzzed, wondering why the hell I'm not chatting up some HB at my local meat market instead.
AFC Dave, sitting on one shoulder, says, "Ah, it'll be weird if you just go to a bar by yourself."
gPUA Dave, sitting on the other shoulder, says, "Get off your fucking ass."
I throw on my best jeans, best blazer, best shoes, and a cool tie. And as I scoot out the door for my first-ever solo night on the town, I examine myself in the mirror--"Damn, son, you look good. It's going to be a good first sarge of the new year."
I wander to my local meat market, where I am promptly hit with an attack of AA. I order a Yuengling at the bar and am all set to walk back through the bar when I suddenly lock eyes with a tall, gorgeous brunette, and she smiles a big, dazzling smile at me. And, as Neil Patrick Harris might say: it. was. on.
Approach, Attract: I figure I need to get into this set quickly, so I take two long Walk of Khan strides over to Tall Gorgeous Brunette. To this moment, I don't remember how I opened, but I know that I lifted my glass, said "Cheers! How's it going?" and got something back that I could hook off of. TGB laughed, and next thing you know, TGB is introducing me to her friends Cute Latina and Co-Worker.
BT: TGB, CL, CW, and I are laughing, having a good time. High-fives all around, toasts, a little play-fighting. The set's going well, but something's not clicking. I'm shifting my attention to CL and CW for a moment to keep the whole group engaged, when suddenly, a douchebag in a plaid shirt swoops in and starts chatting up TGB. I figure if I'm going to be hanging out with gorgeous women, I'm going to be dealing with this multiple times.
I anti-AMOG like a champ, and a moment later, Plaid Shirt is all but forgotten. And now I'm starting to feel really invincible.
Compliance: I'm getting great vibes from these girls, they're following me around. Trying on my scarf. Some good salsa music comes on--I start to dance with CL, right in front of the bar, then steal TGB back from yet another AMOG for her turn with me on the dance floor, then let CW have her turn. Everyone's having a great time. TGB and CW excuse themselves to use the bathroom--another round of hugs, high-fives, PUA spins, and I let them leave, certain they're coming back (at least because they abandoned CL with me).
Comfort: I turn to CL. "Well, while your friends are gone, it looks like you've got me to keep you entertained." We sit at the bar. Turns out we're both from California by way of North Carolina. She's pulling her chair in closer--thigh rubs, etc. We're talking about where we've traveled in the world, families. I'm letting her do too much of the talking--I should be demonstrating more value--but I can see that she's talking herself straight into my hands. Or my bed. She hesitates a moment when I ask for her phone number, but we swap numbers anyway.
Disqualify, Distract: At this point, this interaction with CL is getting more serious. AMOGs are now steering clear of us by a mile radius. I walk CL down to the dance floor, we're dancing together, grinding, and she starts talking about what's next in the evening. "Whoa!" I say with a wink and a smile, "I'm not sure we're at that point in our relationship yet!" You can literally see the tension drain out of her shoulders.
Evaluate: But suddenly, I have a problem--I really didn't come here with a great plan. While it was clear that CL would abandon her friends (ah, thank god for public transit), I didn't have a great way to get her out of there and back to my place. I gently--for the first time in the evening, a bit timidly--suggest that I know a great cocktail place down the street. She can feel my hesitation, and says no. At this point, I make a decision to bail out in about 15 minutes and call CL back the next day.
CL and I dance for a few more minutes, and I make some excuse that I need to head out. I find TGB and CW being hit on by three meatheads at the bar, and I give them big parting hugs. TGB pouts about my needing to leave, and I get her to plant a few kisses on my cheek as I leave, as the meatheads look on incredulously with that "what's he got?" look.
As I walk out of the bar, I overhear a guy saying to his friend, "Dude, there was this small Asian guy at the end of the bar, and he was totally working it..."
Oh, yes, it's going to be a happy new year indeed.
Lessons Learned:
1. Logistics get you laid. Have a plan. Introduce it as a done deal, no negotiations or discussions.
2. AMOGs can only intimidate you if you let them.
3. Don't settle for targets of opportunity--in this case, CL. If you want someone (TGB), you need to go and get it.
4. When building comfort, don't just talk. Be cognizant of what value you're adding, and make conscious decisions about what you're going to project.
6. Flying solo only scares the bejesus out of you until you get rolling. So get rolling fast.
7. Don't ever wear glasses when you're going out. Once you start to sweat, you'll constantly be pushing them up your face while trying to avoid looking like Urkel while doing it. It sucks. [Yes, APB, I finally admit that you were right on this one.]
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